I waited to have kids. I missed the window.

I called it wisdom. I was wrong.

Photo by Jr Korpa on Unsplash

This can’t be happening. No, no, no…

Heart pounding, I stare at the test results on the computer screen.

The numbers are high…too high.

I am out of time.

The thought settles heavily on my shoulders.

I begin to cry.

“This is not your fault,” my doctor’s voice breaks through my rushing thoughts as he places a hand on my shoulder.

I nod, but it doesn’t stop the sinking feeling in my gut.

Because he is wrong.

It is my fault.

I decided to wait. I wanted to have kids, but I had a mental list of all the boxes that had to be checked first. The right job, enough stability, a higher salary.

I wasn’t reckless or irresponsible. I was careful.

I was being smart about it. Or that’s what I told myself, anyway.

But this week, the doctor confirmed the news I dreaded.

I can’t have kids.

This is fucking devastating.

I feel betrayed by my body. Like, how dare you?

I am mad for not trusting myself to figure it out.

I am dreading the next time someone asks me when I’m going to have children.

I feel sad and frustrated and broken…

And I wish I could be writing a post with a more positive spin. Like how we turned it all around or we’ve come up with a better plan.

But right now?

It just fucking sucks.

So here’s a piece of advice I wish I listened to earlier:

If you feel like you’re not ready to make a decision…

Be it the business idea you’ve been thinking about starting…

Or telling someone you love them because the timing isn’t right…

Waiting…for the job to be more stable, the kids to be older, the partner to get on board.

Do it.

Do it afraid.

Do it messy.

Do it uncertainly.

But please:

Just fucking do it.

Because we are amazing at making fear look like wisdom.

Of ignoring our intuition.

Waiting for the perfect condition.

But be careful, wait too long and you might miss it.

Because the clock keeps ticking…until it doesn’t.